When did we stop really talking?
Most couples don’t wake up one morning and suddenly feel disconnected.
It usually happens slowly.
Life gets busy. There’s work, children, family stuff, bills, things that need sorting around the house and the never-ending list of things that someone needs to remember.
And somewhere along the way, conversations can become more about managing life together than actually connecting with each other.
What time are you home?
Who’s picking up the kids?
Did you pay that bill?
What are we having for dinner?
You might talk all day. But when did you last really talk?
I see this quite often in my work with couples. Sometimes people come to therapy because they’re arguing all the time. But sometimes they’re not really arguing at all.
They just don’t feel particularly close anymore.
Nothing terrible has necessarily happened. There hasn’t been a huge betrayal or one obvious event they can point to. They might still get on well, laugh together and make a great team.
But something feels different.
So, what happened?
Usually, there isn’t one big moment.
It’s lots of little ones.
You stop asking certain questions because you think you already know what your partner is going to say.
You’re half listening while looking at your phone.
Something bothers you, but it doesn’t feel important enough to bring up, so you leave it. Then another little thing happens. And another.
You stop going out together quite as much.
You stop being as curious about each other.
Sometimes you might even stop arguing because you’ve given up trying to get the other person to understand.
None of these things seem particularly dramatic on their own. But add them together over months or years and suddenly there can be quite a lot of distance between two people who once felt very close.
“But we spend loads of time together”
This is an interesting one because being together and feeling connected aren’t necessarily the same thing.
You can sit next to someone on the sofa every evening and still feel lonely in your relationship.
Connection is often in the really ordinary moments.
Feeling listened to.
Someone asking how you are and actually wanting to hear the answer.
Laughing together.
Sharing something that’s been worrying you.
A hug in the kitchen for no particular reason.
We can underestimate those little moments because they don’t feel particularly exciting.
We often think we need date nights, romantic weekends or some big gesture to get the connection back. And yes, those things can be lovely.
But sometimes what has gone missing is much simpler.
Attention.
Get curious again
One of the things I often encourage couples to do is become curious about each other again.
And I don’t mean sitting opposite each other over dinner with a list of 25 questions to save your relationship!
Just start noticing.
What has been on your partner’s mind lately?
What are they excited about?
What are they struggling with?
When did you last ask them something about themselves and genuinely not know what their answer would be?
And perhaps there’s another question worth asking:
When did you last tell your partner something about yourself that they didn’t already know?
We don’t stop changing just because we’re in a long-term relationship.
But it’s very easy to think we know everything there is to know about someone we’ve been with for years.
Sometimes we need to get to know each other again.
You don’t need to wait until your relationship is falling apart
There’s still an idea that couples therapy is something you do when a relationship is in serious trouble.
It really doesn’t have to be.
Sometimes couples come to therapy because they love each other, they want to stay together and, actually, lots of their relationship works really well.
They’ve just lost some of the closeness they used to have.
And they want to understand what has happened before that distance becomes harder to bridge.
You don’t necessarily need to start with the huge question:
“How do we fix our relationship?”
Maybe start with something much simpler.
“How are we, really?”
And then give each other enough space to answer.
Hello, I am Rose! A qualified Counsellor and Psychosexual Therapist working with individuals and couples. If you want to learn more about me and my work, have a look at my website.
I would love to hear from you!
